As much as we would like to presume it to be true, no one can control the actions of another person. No one can foresee every circumstance that may come into another person’s daily life. No one.
As parents, we try to instill in our children basic morals and the ability to know right from wrong. We love them as best we can. We support them in their daily endeavors to the best of our abilities. We provide for them. We try to keep them clothed and fed. And, much to our chagrin, we learn very quickly that they are their own people. We can lead them, guide them, teach them, and love them. But we cannot think for them. We cannot act for them. We cannot always make their decisions for them, right or wrong.
It makes no real difference, in the upbringing of a child, if both parents have to work to put their food on the table. It makes no real difference if they are watched over by a day care service, a nanny, or a babysitter. What does make a difference is the love they are provided on a daily basis. The feelings instilled in them, from birth, that we do really care about them and will give all we can of ourselves to make their lives filled with the knowing that they are loved and cared for.
Even knowing these things, children will walk out their front doors, get on a bus or walk to school or a friend’s house. And, once they are out of that front door, parents have no real control over what goes on in their daily lives until they walk back in. As we close the front door behind them, we can only hope that those morals and values we have taught them will stand up to whatever events or ideas come their way.
That is not to say that we can’t have a say, especially in their younger years, about most of the places they go and the people they have contact with during the day. We can research the preschool and school they attend. We can research the teachers, their credentials and monitor their studies and difficulties in school. But we cannot think for them. We cannot act for them. And we cannot control who they come into contact with in their classrooms, on the bus, or on their walks to and from school or anywhere else.
If little Johnny is taught that stealing is not “right” and his new friend Sue says, “Let’s take Joe’s lunch and sell it for drugs,” we can only hope that Johnny makes the correct choice and firmly says “no.” And he probably will. However, as time goes on and he gets older, those choices are not so smoothly made. Perhaps he thinks he has all the facts on a situation. Perhaps he trusts the wrong person. Perhaps he is going through some mental and physical changes of growing up which may actually distort his reasoning for a while, (like teenage years!). Whatever the case scenario, if Johnny makes a mistake, even so far as committing a crime, his parents have little to do with his decision. He makes his choices after considering, (or not), the consequences that may spring up because of his actions.
That is not to say that parents never have a negative effect on their children. If a child is abused, mentally or physically, it would have a great impact on his future thinking. And, perhaps in those cases, the parents may be considered at fault to a degree. But, even then, if crimes are committed, it is the child’s thoughts and actions that lead him to that crime.
There are many, many people in this world who seem to feel that they are perfect parents, perfect workers, perfects spouses, perfect people. They are quick to place blame and, it seems, MUST have somewhere to place blame for anything that occurs in their world. But, when children commit crimes it is not necessarily due to the parenting skills of the folks that raised them. A great deal of the time it is more of a reaction or resistance to those “perfect” people of the world who make them feel inadequate.
A loving parent can make all the difference to a child. But circumstances, such as where he lives, who he spends his parent-free time with, what kinds of teachers and students are at his school, and how he feels about himself in his environment should be held more accountable for his wrong choices as he goes through his childhood. A parent is responsible for his own actions and a wise parent passes on that knowledge of responsibility to his children. We do all we can, or at least most of us do, to keep our children on the straight and narrow. And, even if we have done our jobs right, there might be that occasional phone call from the school, a neighbor, or a friendly sheriff that sends our hearts to our throats. But our children make their own choices, must own up to their own responsibilities, and will grow up just as we did.