It is extremely rare that someone actually contests a divorce. If you want a divorce, and testify to the proper facts, the court will grant a divorce. The court will divide the property; settle issues about the children and grant a divorce.
The problem
So, you argued with your spouse, and he threatened to take your children, or she threatened to take all of your money. Accusations of fault begin, bitter feelings arise, and a desire to set the record straight is overwhelming. Perhaps everyone goes temporarily insane. It is an American pastime to scare your spouse in a divorce case; it shows that when both parties want a divorce, it can still be contentious.
First things first; your spouse will never have to sign any piece of paper. Your ex does not have to sign a Waiver of Citation. The clerk will issue a citation and a process server will deliver it to him. Your ex does not have to sign the Divorce Decree; it’s the Judge’s signature that makes the Divorce Decree an official, legal document. Refusing to sign papers is silly and may irritate the Judge. In a contentious divorce, do not irritate the Judge; let your ex irritate the Judge.
Things to do:
Agree. If you are still talking to your spouse, things will go much better in court (and out of court) if you do these things:
Stop pressuring your spouse. Never pressure. Trying to pressure your ex is what made this a contested divorce case;
Do not talk about serious matters, like children or property. When did talking about serious things with your ex ever do any good? You have a lawyer to talk about serious things;
Don’t argue, don’t set the record straight, and don’t defend yourself. If she claims, “I can never trust you. I want a divorce.” You say, “I agree you can never trust me. If you want a divorce, I agree we need a divorce. Act perfectly happy; and
When you speak, have a sincere tone in your voice.
It does take two to argue. There is simply no point in setting the record straight with your ex; lowering the tension will help your lawyer to settle the case.
Prepare a List
You and your spouse have known one another for a long time. The same arguments come up again and again. Your ex has probably been to a lawyer’s office and told the lawyer about all your faults. It is time to help your lawyer and make a list, showing him all those arguments.
On one side of a blank piece of paper, make a list of fifteen things your spouse says are your fault. The fifteen things do not have to be true, they may be XXX large lies, but they must be what she says about you. Then on the other side of the page, write a short response to each accusation. The response might be, “That is true. I let down the one who loved me.” The response might be, “Yes, I did that, years ago, but not now.” The response must be a sound bite, like you see on the television news. It does no good to have an eloquent response that is too long. Think of the politician sound bites on the television.
The point is, in a contentious case, your faults will come up. Your lawyer needs to know what the testimony of you and your ex will be. You will answer hard questions with good short answers. If you heard your ex say it, then write it down, and write a response.
Copy your documents. Before you go to see your lawyer, get your documents together and make copies for your lawyer.
Make copies of your income tax records for the past 2 years, the deed to your home and deeds for the other property you own, car titles, and monthly bank statements and all checks for the past 6 months. Get copies of your retirement account, tax appraisals for your property, and take photographs of your residence. If you can take photographs of the inside of your residence, the go from room to room showing the property (TVs, tables & stuff) in the home. If there are children, get a copy of report cards from the school. Get a large desk calendar, on which you listed the important events about the children. Make a list of your important debts, naming the creditor, the monthly payment, and the total amount due. Take all of this to your lawyer. All these things are called “evidence” and it is what your lawyer needs in court.
If you do not get all your records copied for your lawyer, you will be paying your lawyer, or his secretary, to order documents and stand by a copy machine. It is just a matter of how you want to spend your money. You probably want your lawyer doing something besides standing at a copier.
What Judges want
A Judge does not want to hear your opinion about your ex; you are in a divorce case, he knows you think your ex is no good. A Judge wants to hear you testify about specific events shown on a calendar. A Judge wants to set child support after seeing the income tax returns. A Judge wants to see a photograph of you and your smiling children, who obviously love you. Give the Judge the documents, and the facts, and the Judge can help you.
Talk to the Man: If you are in a contentious divorce case, please do yourself a favor. Talk to G-d, and your pastor, priest, or rabbi about your feelings. If it is recommended that you see a psychiatrist and take some antidepressant pills for 6 months or so, then call the doctor and make an appointment. Don’t be finicky about this. If you ask your lawyer, I bet he or she takes a few pills too.
Going through a contentious divorce is more stressful than a human body was designed to endure. Handling your emotions will help you personally, and will help you make good decisions. Your children and your lawyer are depending on your making the right decision at the right time.
Conclusion: The stress and anxiety from a contested divorce case often changes everything about who a person is and how she sees the world. The rewards for actually preparing for the case are enormous. Making a list of accusations, getting documents copied, stopping the arguments, and seeing the person guides your soul, will have amazingly good benefits for you personally. Making these preparations will also do great things for your divorce case.