Child support payments pass through bank accounts, now at a much higher rate than ever, as courts pass laws protecting children, and parents experience the stressful turn of civilization.
We are not finding parenting any more difficult than we did a thousand years ago or more. It’s the mind of the adult that has changed. However, if we actually took the time to mediate as partners or if it’s all we can do to mediate as two people connected by blood, then do so without a lawyer, please. Parents seem to expect so much less of themselves and their partners than we did in the past.
It was nothing for a man in the year 1910 to tell his wife she’s not going anywhere; that her role in the house he built is to look after their children, and how dare she run off to a new life. There were no benefits of leaving our families then, either. It was still a pretty shameful escape; only on to a world where people voted to reject those who didn’t conform in this manner.
We only expect parents to look after their children because, “Who else is supposed to do it?” Tarzan’s parents obviously weren’t making their child support payments.
Mediation can happen before that step. When two like-minded people make children they should be able to work out a system of support without the help of the court system we pay taxes to upkeep. That system is overwhelmed now and judgments are being told at the rate we run our assembly lines, which should not reflect how we raise our families, but in these cases it does.
There is more pride in solving our own conflicts peacefully. For example our children understand what we do. At some point they will be intrigued by our patience, and dedication to them and it will be instilled in them; a symbol of our integrity as parents.
There are several systems that can be listed in the time it takes to write this article that parents should take the time to consider.
Lets try not to stick our hands up when we know we’re having a kid, and say,
“I’ll pay! I’ll pay! Just don’t harass me for more. The cheque will be off tomorrow.” Instead why not sit down in public where we can’t actually fight, write a summary of expenses for one or two years, and say,
“Well, when you need something, I’ll have this much in total for you, but spend it wisely because it’s gone after that until next year.”
We could also say simply, I’ll stick around because I know I can’t afford what the court would ask for no matter what they say… but if it gets too difficult to deal with you I will have to start paying more from the mailbox.”
Finally my favorite solution is,
“I know we don’t get along, I won’t live here because of you, I don’t want kids so I’ll come and see what you need once or twice and if you can budget I’ll reimburse you for the kid’s stuff. Goodbye.”
There are so many words we forget to use when we argue, and people forget to use their scruples when they can’t use all these words to find a simple solution. Please don’t overload our court houses because you are too lazy to spend the hour a day you still can’t find something to do with after your divorce, mixing up documents that cost everyone thousands of dollars a year for the judge to decipher. We should use our heads instead.
Some parents will always need the help of a professional mediator to stabilize a support system in their family. That’s understandable and we have a system for those parents for that reason.
Child support was only a scapegoat for the frustrated, confused or, under-supported parent to begin with.